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METAPHYSICAL CHAT

(w/ M. Derfler and R. Hall)

TODAYS TOPIC: ACID LACED MACARONI IN OCTOBER, BABY.

Hello. Yes, yes and welcome to a new edition of our program. Brought to you directly from the Hall Center for the Metaphysical Sciences, on oh-so-lovely-but-dismal Busch. Not related to our theme, but similar in a way which you couldn't understand, is the paucity of trees on this campus. Yea, verily I declaim thusly that "Busch is neither." To continue, if I may. With all good graces, you certainly may. Well, anyway this week we shall discuss his Transcendence, Mr. Plato [the Greek one]. To elaborate--without overloading your senses with my broken English--Plato rather cleverly figured out that there exist perfect models for all physical things here on Earth. Naturally, these models themselves are metaphysical constructs, or we wouldn't bother with them.

This brings us to a raised high-brow discussion of Plato's Perfect Penis (P³). Indeed, according to Plato's perfect postulations, there must be a penis, perfect in every physical characteristic possible, from which all other penises stem. As corruptions of the metaphysical form, no doubt? No, not really, they're just unable to live up to the IDEAL. Ah, yes the IDEAL penis. You see as any simpleton knows, metaphysical constructs only exist in the metaphysical realm. Therefore the physical equivalent to P³ is Plato's Ideal Penis (PIP). However it is very hard to come by an example of PIP in the physical world. But we could describe it. Of course; and we will.

Taking into account the dual role of the penis as sexual penetrator and urinator, the dimensions of PIP would be (when erect) length 5.25 ins. and diameter ~2 ins. Dare you question our figures (you sexually naïve cretins)! We'll give you the proof: all erogenous areas in the vagina occur within the first 5 inches (out of a healthy 8), and diameter (not length) is the key to the most sensation (for the female).

Now, back to the ramifications of PIP and the oft ignored ideal vagina of Plato (PIV). Most unfortunate. Tragic, really. Is the fact that even if a man with PIP had carnal knowledge of a woman with PIV, they would not have the perfect copulation. You see, sexual intercourse is an activity, so it has no physical ideal. But life is like that. 'Til next time--be infinite.

[Concept: Derfler-Hall-Klein. Written by R.Hall for W.S.C.]

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